we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
