my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dicks are not precious.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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