I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
