he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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