I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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