New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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