i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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