you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
