so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
