i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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