Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
