I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think i got beer on your cat.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
