We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
