I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
