sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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