I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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