he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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