I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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