The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
