duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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