just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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