I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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