Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
