she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
