Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
