currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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