we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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