I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
