I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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