i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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