I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
