On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
