If that was your dad, he is hot
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize