I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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