I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
