I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
