Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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