That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
