she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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