I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
