i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
