if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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