i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
