he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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