I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
