my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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