I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think I just shit out all my problems.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
