I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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