Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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