the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize