just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
