I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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