my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize