just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
