Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
