Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
