yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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